Running Away

There was a time when I wanted to run away. It was a particularly painful season in my life. The Holy Spirit had shined a light into my soul and revealed all the darkness. I admitted to myself, then to my husband, and eventually to God, how angry I was that my life had turned out the way that it had.  I was supposed to be a doctor, a successful career woman who did want she wanted, earned respect and glory for herself, then came home after a satisfying day at work and enjoyed quiet, a bubble bath and a glass of wine, and no one needing anything from me. Instead, I was a mom of four needy children, wife to a sinner, working hard for glory that was not my own. I was angry at everyone and disgusted at the reality of me.

Disciples of Jesus wanted to run away, too.

Jesus had just delivered His controversial, “if you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you will have eternal life” speech. (John 6:53ff) His disciples (which seem from the passage to be far more than just the 12) are having a tough time with this teaching. They are offended, and many of them “turned back and no longer followed him” (John 6:66). So Jesus goes to the Twelve, wondering if they are going to leave, too. He asks Peter and the Twelve,

“You do not want to leave, too, do you?” (John 6:67)

I can hear the rejection in Jesus’ voice.

Peter, passionate as always, not yet fallen, not yet denied Jesus, responds beautifully, and honestly.

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).

I hear Peter saying, “Jesus, where we gonna go? There’s no one like you. This is tough, but we aren’t going anywhere.”

I wanted to run away. Leave this life that God had called me to and go… where?

I got as far as the bathroom (my hiding place). I knew if I ran, abandoned my family, that God would still be there. I couldn’t go anywhere He wasn’t. I thought of the psalm,

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from you presence?

If I go to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle of the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.       Psalm 139:8-10

I read this story a while back about a woman who decided that she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. The title of the Yahoo! story was “The opposite of a 'Tiger Mother': leaving your children behind.” A mom of two boys, 5 and 3, got a fellowship to study in Japan for six months, and at about four months in, when the boys came to visit, she decided she didn’t want to parent them full time anymore. As tempted as I was to judge, I understood her. Motherhood IS a FULL TIME JOB (regardless if you work outside the home or not!). Live on your own for a while, taste freedom, live life for yourself, and why would you want to go back? 

But here’s why I would go back. Because Jesus, as difficult as His teaching is, would ask me to go back. He’s got the words of life. He’s got peace and joy in His back pocket. He’s got the keys to eternal life in heaven, and abundant life on earth.

Jesus tells us to serve. Jesus served.

 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

             Who, being in very nature God,

             did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

             But made Himself nothing,

             Taking the very nature of a servant,

             being made in human likeness.
                                                                         Philippians 2:6-7

I didn’t run away that day. I stayed. I had the hard conversation with my husband. I cried out to the Lord.  I choose to follow Jesus, even when His teachings are difficult, I fail miserably or don’t understand.

He has the words of eternal life.

Rest

Yesterday I was exhausted. Emotionally, physically, I needed rest. Often on Thursday nights, I try to get out in the evening, just to get out, go somewhere by myself (without 4 kids in tow!), and have some fun. Yesterday afternoon, I didn't know how to spend my Thursday night. My girlfriend couldn't join me, I wanted to shop but didn't have much money... I felt discouraged because I didn't know what to do. I asked God to give me rest. What I really wanted was to fly away with Todd to Mexico for 5 days and sit on the beach in the sun. That's REALLY what I wanted to do. But since that wasn't an option, I prayed for rest.

I felt led by the Holy Spirit to visit my neighbor. She's a modern day widow. She's divorced, lives alone, physically housebound for the most part. She doesn't need food or money like the widows of the Bible, but she needs company. I get lonely when Todd's out two nights in a row. I can't imagine how lonely she gets day after day by herself. 

But I admit that I didn't really want to go. I didn't think it seemed restful. Thursday was MY night! My rest! It was supposed to be a time to refill my tank, not further empty it again. But I also wanted to obey God and where I thought He was asking me to go. So I went. 

We had a very pleasant time. We chatted about our houses, the neighborhood, marriage, her health. I stayed about an hour. I was so glad I went. 

I came home, planning to sit in front of the T.V. and eat junk food. (Now that's real rest, right?) But for some reason, I didn't. Instead I went to my bathroom that I've been painting and redoing, and I finished the work I'd been doing that day. I even cleaned it, hung a new medicine cabinet and picture on the wall, put away the paint supplies, put all our toiletries away in the cabinet. (Still not "restful.")  Eventually I did end up in front of the T.V., with a smile on my face. (I skipped the junk food!)

Before bed I've been trying to read a Psalm every night. I'm teaching at our upcoming women's retreat on worship, and I want to learn to worship. I turned off the light to go to sleep, and the Lord reminded me to read my Psalm. So I got back up, and this is what I read:

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.               Psalm 23:1-3a

I'm still amazed when I read something and it says something completely different to me than the last time I read it. Also when Scripture so directly speaks to where I'm at in that exact moment. Two things, here:

1. Just three psalms earlier, David is praying that the Lord would give him the desires of his heart and grant all his requests. Here, he's saying that he doesn't have any wants. It's as if God has, three psalms later, filled the desires of David's heart and granted all David's requests.

Last night I prayed for rest. God led me to a place I didn't see as restful, yet this morning I feel rested AND joyful! I feel more rested than I have all week.

2. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. God knows what will give us rest. Physical and spiritual rest. (Both are important!) These verses are a picture of rest. I've been asking God for a while to teach me about rest. As a busy mom of four kids, a leader of women's ministry, and a woman involved in many people's lives, I get tired! And I don't always know what will bring me rest. Sometimes it is T.V. and books. Other times its coffee with a friend. But sometimes my method of "rest" just doesn't work, and I'm left feeling discouraged and not rested.

What I'm seeing is that I need to ask God for help, even to rest. Psalm 23 tells me that He can give me rest, and I saw His provision in that way last night. He knows what I need that day, that moment. He knows what will truly give me rest. He knows that sometimes what I call "work" in that moment will actually bring me peace and give me better rest.

I'm so thankful to God for giving me rest last night. I feel like I can do another day. I'm also thankful that because of God, I shall not be in want. Thank you, Father.

Raising Moses - "after Moses had grown up..."

"One day, after Moses had grown up..."    Exodus 2:11

Few words, but I couldn't move on. I've been looking at Moses' mother for a few years now. I keep reading and rereading her story, seeing something new each time. This morning I was reading Exodus to my children, but I couldn't move on from this verse. There was something there for me. Something that I hadn't yet seen about Moses' mother.

Moses grew up. In that one verse, forty years are covered. In the passage that follows, events are covered that happened when he was 40. Yes, Moses grew up. We hear about him as a 3-month old, then here as a 40 year old. What happened in 40 years? He was living life in Pharaoh's palace. What I'm more interested in for now is what happened to Jocebed, his mom? We don't hear anything more about her after he was 3-months old. We read about her great faith, prophet insight, and fearless parenting of a newborn. And nothing more. What happened to Jocebed?

Chances are, she went on to live a "normal" life. Normal meaning the life of a Hebrew slave in Egypt. She probably never saw the Lord's deliverance of His people (she would have been at least 100). She probably never saw the great man that her "fine child" became. Probably the last she ever saw or heard of her son was the palace prince who would become a murderer (that comes later in chapter 2 of Exodus).  

Here's why this all spoke to me so clearly. Perhaps the greatest ministry I will ever do is RIGHT NOW raising my children. Perhaps I'm raising Moses. I often dream of a teaching ministry that will carry me around the country. I see "the good stuff", the "exciting stuff," as yet to come. But perhaps I'm in it right now. Perhaps the greatest thing I will ever do for the kingdom of God is to raise four children who know, love and serve the Lord. I could be raising Moses.

Not all kids are designed by God to be Moses, a great leader. But Jocebed also raised Miriam (a worshipper, a leader of women and a prophetess - Exodus 15:20) and Aaron (public speaker, miracle worker, companion to Moses and the first high priest - Exodus 6-12, 28). Jocebed's kids served God and experienced God in extraordinary ways.

So I say again: What if I'm raising Moses? I could waste my days dreaming about the future, or I could realize how important today is. I could give my all to my kids - loving them, training them in self-control and obedience, teaching them the Bible and how to pray, and coaching them in how to love each other, unselfishly. Perhaps this will be my greatest contribution to the Kingdom of God.

...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Ephesians 4:1

God help me to live a life worthy of the calling I have received.  Help me today to raise my children to be faithful followers of the King.  

The Cry of a Mother's Heart

Dear God,

I listened to a woman speak today who had raised 4 boys and was now recently an empty nester. She passed around pictures of her boys as young men. They were so handsome. Some were married, some with girlfriends. One in a football jersey, playing for Princeton. They could have been my boys in 20 years. They were blond, athletic, smiling. They were following the Lord and loving beautiful young women.

Now Im in tears. Why?

It seemed like a glimpse into my future. My heart’s cry is that my children love you, marry a handsome man and beautiful women who love you, and to walk with you. They don’t have to be star athletes, the smartest in the class, rich or famous: I just want them to walk daily with you (because then I know they will find joy and peace despite the trouble in this life), and to get married to wonderful people.

God, I find such joy and peace in my husband. He loves me so wonderfully, and I feel so blessed to have him. I desperately want that for my children – to know the intimate, beautiful, deep love of another. And not just friends, but a husband, and wives. Because to have a spouse is to have a partner, a co-worker, a friend, a lover, a listener, a buddy, a playmate, a protector, a co-adventurer.

Father, I so deeply desire a spouse for my children. Would you give Maggie, Josh, Finn and Zac a spouse. And not just any man or woman. One who loves you, deeply, daily, honestly. One who chases you, finds you, is found by you. One who walks with you daily, searches your word, prays, intercedes, talks casually and prays reverently. One who confesses sin. One who desires to know you.

Please Daddy, I don’t want my children to be alone. I want them to enjoy the deeply satisfying love of a spouse. Would you give that to them? Would you help them to set their standards high and wait? Would you make them into good partners. Would you help them to walk in sexual purity before marriage and in marital faithfulness after marriage. Please help their eyes only to be for their spouse. Please help them to be honest, real, vunerable, loving, respectful and unselfish.

I know my kids are sinners, as I am. Please help them to take the way out from temptation that you promised them.  

Love, your daughter and their mother,

J Jen

Agape love - "Regardless of circumstance"

Our word LOVE has some serious limitations. I say "I love you" to my children and "I love your shoes" to a stranger. I say, "I will love you forever" to my groom on our wedding day, and "I love the color on these walls" to a visitor. In common ancient Greek, the language in which the New Testament was written, there are four words for "love" :

agape - Agape love is unconditional love, love that "brings forth caring regardless of circumstance," sacrificial love.  

eros - Eros love is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing, as between two lovers.

philos - Philos is love between family and friends, a "brotherly" love.

storge - Storge is affectionate love, like a parent for her child.

For this posting, I'm going to focus on agape love. In my personal study, I wanted to find the times in the New Testament that talked about God having agape love for His children, for me. I'll discuss four times when agape love is directed from God to man.

1. Mark 10:17-22

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
       “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
      “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”  Jesus looked at him and [agape] loved him.    
        “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”  
        At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
 
What amazes me about this passage is that  Jesus looked at him and [agape] loved him. Jesus knew that this rich young ruler was NOT going to give up his wealth to follow Jesus. In a sense, the rich young ruler failed. He chose money over Jesus. He did not have faith. He was greedy instead. He chose to worship wealth instead of worship God. He was an idolater and a sinner, and worse, he thought he was without sin. He thought he had kept all the commandments since [he] was a boy. Yet, Jesus looked at him and loved him.

This illustrates agape love so well to me. Jesus looked at this young man and loved him. The love of Jesus was not dependent upon the rich young ruler's obedience or faith. How comforting! I fail again and again. I sin again and again. I worship idols other than God, yet... Jesus loves me. I know that God is pleased when I obey, when I smash my idols before Him, and when I walk in faith, but when I fail... Jesus still loves me. It reminds me of the verse:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.     Romans 5:8

This just proves to me in Scripture, with both passages, that Jesus' love for me is not based on my performance. I could never earn His love. While I was still sinning, Jesus still chose to die for me! That is truly love. May the love I have for my husband, my children, my extended family, my friends, and even my enemies, be love that "brings forth caring regardless of circumstance."  

2. John 3:16

For God so [agape] loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Most of us have heard or read this verse a million times, and it's almost lost its impact because of its familiarity, so let's make it personal.

God loved ME so much, even while I sinned and failed and rejected Him, that He was willing to send His only child to earth so that He could die a horrible death and take the punishment for MY wrong-doing. He did this so that I could live forever when I put my faith and trust in that Son, Jesus.  

The thought of giving up my firstborn son to suffer a horrible death in place of someone who doesn't deserve it makes me want to throw up. I love my children. I hate it when they scrape a knee. I don't wish any harm on them. Yet God sent Jesus, and was willing to let His Son to be whipped and mocked and crucified for ME while I was still sinning.

That's love. Agape love.

3. John 11:5

Jesus [agape] loved  Martha and her sister and Lazarus.

I read this verse first when I was closely studying the interaction between Martha and Mary in Luke 10:38-42. And it made me weep. In summary, Martha is fussing over the details of having Jesus and his crew in her home, and Mary is sitting at Jesus' feet, learning from him like a disciple of a rabbi. Martha gets frustrated because she is doing all the work and asks Jesus to make her sister help her. But Jesus rebukes Martha, and tells her that Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:42) 

A couple observations on this passage: Jesus had female friends. Mary was a female and sat at the feet of Jesus, learning like the male disciples. And even though Martha didn't make the right choice this time, Jesus still agape loved her. And Mary. And Lazarus.

Do you see the connection between all these passages? The love of Jesus is not based on a person's actions.  Jesus loves me, "regardless of circumstance."

4. John 13:23

One of them, the disciple whom Jesus [agape] loved, was reclining next to him. (NIV) 
                                                                                                            ... was leaning against His bosom. (KJV)

The disciple John is repeatedly referred to as the disciple whom Jesus loved. We've already established that Jesus doesn't play favorites (see Jesus and Favoritism - Dec 2010), but John was probably Jesus' best friend on earth. He was certainly in the "inner circle" which included Peter, James and John. Imagine being your Savior's best friend. Wow.

What is radical about this verse, is that John, a grown man, is leaning against Jesus' chest. Maybe he was leaning back against Him, or sideways with his head on Jesus' chest. Either way, they were snuggling! We know Jesus was perfect and without sin, so this was love expressed with all purity. How radical! Jesus' love was even demonstrated with physical affection.

This so blew me away that I taught it to my children the morning that I saw it for myself. It puzzled them at first. Jesus snuggling with His disciple? It certainly changes the preconceived notion of Jesus always sitting away from them, teaching them, always in a posture of composed Rabbi, with some distance. No! Jesus was in relationship with them, friendship even, and they were being affectionate!

Make any of you a little uncomfortable? OK, then put yourself in the arms of Jesus. Lean YOUR head against His chest. Let His arms fall around you. Snuggle up to Jesus. Now do you want to just weep?

Our Lord and Savior is personal and intimate and close. His love is not from afar; it is right where you are. He is not a removed teacher, or distant priest. He doesn't withhold Himself from you. He freely gives you His body, His affection, and His love. And that agape love is not dependent on what you do. Though He desires our obedience, His love is not dependent upon it.

Agape love is "unconditional love, love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance." This is how God loves us. "Regardless of circumstance."