Running Away

There was a time when I wanted to run away. It was a particularly painful season in my life. The Holy Spirit had shined a light into my soul and revealed all the darkness. I admitted to myself, then to my husband, and eventually to God, how angry I was that my life had turned out the way that it had.  I was supposed to be a doctor, a successful career woman who did want she wanted, earned respect and glory for herself, then came home after a satisfying day at work and enjoyed quiet, a bubble bath and a glass of wine, and no one needing anything from me. Instead, I was a mom of four needy children, wife to a sinner, working hard for glory that was not my own. I was angry at everyone and disgusted at the reality of me.

Disciples of Jesus wanted to run away, too.

Jesus had just delivered His controversial, “if you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you will have eternal life” speech. (John 6:53ff) His disciples (which seem from the passage to be far more than just the 12) are having a tough time with this teaching. They are offended, and many of them “turned back and no longer followed him” (John 6:66). So Jesus goes to the Twelve, wondering if they are going to leave, too. He asks Peter and the Twelve,

“You do not want to leave, too, do you?” (John 6:67)

I can hear the rejection in Jesus’ voice.

Peter, passionate as always, not yet fallen, not yet denied Jesus, responds beautifully, and honestly.

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).

I hear Peter saying, “Jesus, where we gonna go? There’s no one like you. This is tough, but we aren’t going anywhere.”

I wanted to run away. Leave this life that God had called me to and go… where?

I got as far as the bathroom (my hiding place). I knew if I ran, abandoned my family, that God would still be there. I couldn’t go anywhere He wasn’t. I thought of the psalm,

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from you presence?

If I go to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle of the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.       Psalm 139:8-10

I read this story a while back about a woman who decided that she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. The title of the Yahoo! story was “The opposite of a 'Tiger Mother': leaving your children behind.” A mom of two boys, 5 and 3, got a fellowship to study in Japan for six months, and at about four months in, when the boys came to visit, she decided she didn’t want to parent them full time anymore. As tempted as I was to judge, I understood her. Motherhood IS a FULL TIME JOB (regardless if you work outside the home or not!). Live on your own for a while, taste freedom, live life for yourself, and why would you want to go back? 

But here’s why I would go back. Because Jesus, as difficult as His teaching is, would ask me to go back. He’s got the words of life. He’s got peace and joy in His back pocket. He’s got the keys to eternal life in heaven, and abundant life on earth.

Jesus tells us to serve. Jesus served.

 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

             Who, being in very nature God,

             did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

             But made Himself nothing,

             Taking the very nature of a servant,

             being made in human likeness.
                                                                         Philippians 2:6-7

I didn’t run away that day. I stayed. I had the hard conversation with my husband. I cried out to the Lord.  I choose to follow Jesus, even when His teachings are difficult, I fail miserably or don’t understand.

He has the words of eternal life.

I Lost the Election

I lost the election.

That is to say, the candidate that I voted for lost the election. I checked the election results all night long (as my 2 year old woke me with coughing and crying), and my discouragement grew as the results rolled in, state by state, and it looked like President Obama would carry away a clear victory.

When I finally got up this morning after a sleepless night, and saw that President Barack Obama accepted a decisive victory, I felt disappointed, discouraged, like I had failed. I had failed to pray enough. The Christian community had failed to carry the vote, like some said they could. We as born-again believers had failed the nation and our cause.

But then the Holy Spirit whispered something into the ear of my heart:

“… He sets up kings and deposes them…”

Here is the entire Scripture:

“Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;

wisdom and power are His.

He changes times and seasons;

he sets up kings and deposes them.

He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.

He reveals deep and hidden things;

he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with Him.”            

                                                            Daniel 2:20-22

God reminded me that He elects our leaders. “There is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God” (Romans 13:1). God is Sovereign. God chooses our leaders. God has elected our President, and God has chosen those who will lead our country.

But it goes farther. God directs the decisions of our leaders as well.

The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord;
he turns it wherever he will.         Proverbs 21:1 (ESV)

Ultimately, I’m reminded that God is in charge. He chooses our leaders. He places them in authority. He directs their decisions. He even uses those leaders who do not acknowledge Him to do His work (like Cyrus in Isaiah 45:1-5).

As believers in an all-powerful, Almighty, Sovereign God, we have nothing to fear. There is no agenda that will succeed without the permission of our King. Instead of mourning, we should be praying. Instead of criticizing, we should instead be looking at our own lives, asking what WE are doing to change our nation. Instead of condemning those whose lifestyles do not match our values, we should look at our own lives as ask where we ourselves are not obeying the Bible’s teaching.

As my wise pastor said this Sunday,

“It is not what happens in the White House that matters,

but what happens in our house.” 

A Whole Life

I believe that the Lord is calling me to a “whole” life, one that no longer ignores the body and the soul, but nurtures all three: body, spirit and soul. What does this look like? I’m not sure. What I do know is that I’ve neglected body and soul.

I thought that the only good thing was my spirit. My spirit, as far as I know, is what communes with God. My spirit makes me spirit-ual, eternal; it endures when my body has passed away.

So I worked hard nurturing my spirit, thinking that it was my job. I interceeded for the world and my family, friends, and unsaved neighbors. I studied the Word – completing my Bible study homework, digging deeper into the answers that I didn’t fully understand, getting lost in a question that I had… I prepared sermons and talks for Sunday mornings, women’s ministry meetings and the retreat. I planned meetings and vision for the next year. These were all good things to do, but I was constantly WORKING for God. I never stopped to REST with Him. To “practice His presence.” It was like He was waiting for me to put my pen down and just be with Him.

My body… well, the easy answer is that I had two babies in two years, and they didn’t like the gym, or the gym didn’t like them. Either way, I hadn’t been in one for four years. I fasted occasionally, sometimes weekly, and the Lord began a work to deliver me from an eating addiction… more like, eating idolatry. I ran to food when I was sad, happy, anxious, tired. When Finn was an infant, he screamed for hours at a time. I hit the chocolate chips hard in those days. My post-baby weight was inviting friends over, instead of falling off. I began to get serious about honoring the Lord with eating, so I guess I wasn’t completely neglecting my body. But I did seem to focus on NOT eating, instead of enjoying eating what I had… 

When I did finally go back to the gym in April of this year, I felt guilty about it. I was leaving my children during the best part of their day (the morning), so that I could exercise. I felt like a stereotype: the stay-at-home mom at the gym. The rich, tan mom, with lots of diamonds and a perfectly sculpted %@$, whose children were cared for by another lowly person while she worked on her work of art, her body. When the truth is, I was just a woman who had been neglecting herself and had lost her own identity in motherhood and ministry.

Taking care of my body in exercise was the first step for me in rediscovering myself. God made my body. He even called it “very good.” (I’ll take it!) He made me a steward of that body, just like the servant with the talents. I am the caretaker of God’s wonderful masterpiece. It is every bit spiritual for me to exercise. And I often find myself worshipping with abandon during spin class. “Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus for techno music! Thank you for the healthy body you’ve given me! Thank you for strong legs and arms and for sweat and endorphins and for a community of people to exercise with, so I’m not alone in this fight to take care of my body! Thank you for bringing me back to the gym! Thank you for the wonderful child care workers who give me a break, so that I can go back home and give more to my kids!” Sometimes I hear really clearly from God right in the middle of spin class. Or on a run. I get ideas that seem heaven-sent. I can clear my head as I exhaust my body. For a while I started listening to podcasts (sermons) while I exercised. I found myself dreading the gym… I was making my body work into spirit work. Exercise was a break from my constantly moving mind. When I added some deep theology, the same release was not accomplished. So I went back to Rhianna on the elliptical. Much better. I can listen to “We Found Love” about 400 times in a row. It totally motivates me to do one more set of crunches. (I once tried to put that song on the play list at my mom’s 60 birthday party. It was like the dancing stopped, the crickets chirped, and everyone stared at me. Oops. Never put Rhianna on the playlist when the average age is about 60.)

Oh, one other thing. Ive been counting calories. I tried cutting out sugar completely for a while, but I was miserable and depressed. I LOVE making cookies with my kids. So lately Ive just been counting my calories with an app on my ipod. I’ll never (OK, probably never) drink another caramel Frappaccino ever again. They are like 500 calories! Holy cow! Who knew? But my favorite homemade peanut butter chocolate chip oatmeal cookies are only 170 calories each. ONE of those suckers almost satisfies my sweet-tooth for the day. SOOO good. (I’ll give you the recipe if you want.) AND, I got to make them with my little boys, who love to eat the dough, and we love making them together. It's just as fun to make them as to eat them. We literally had a cookies for lunch today. Who needs PB&J (400 calories)? Taking care of my body, and sensible eating, doesn’t mean never eating fun, yummy food. It just means balancing it out. I’m honestly finding freedom in the self-control.

As for my soul, I’m still figuring this one out. I am trying to discover what I love. Besides Jesus, Todd, and my kids, of course. But what in this “unspiritual” world do I really enjoy? (Perhaps it’s all spiritual when we see it through the right lens.)

I have discovered a few things I love. I like country music. Carrie Underwood especially. And jazz. I have found that jazz relaxes me just as much as a bowl of ice cream at the end of an exhausting day. (Seriously!) I like art musuems. And cities. I just went to Boston with my mom, and we started at the Musuem of Fine Art. I felt alive, and cultured, and stimulated in a way that I’m not usually. I stared long and hard at paintings of George Washington in his youth, and a woman (I forgot her name) who was a revolutionary in her own time, yet was painted tending a garden. Perhaps, like me, she felt more comfortable with a pen than a trowel in her hands. I loved riding the “T,” people watching, wandering in and out of little shops along Newberry Street, eating my way through Quincy Market (Yeah, that wasn’t a good calorie day. We won’t talk too much more about that one.), drinking chilled wine and hot coffee. I love the energy of the city.

I love to read. And not just Christian books. Novels. Magazines. Home design books, which are just picture books for grown-ups. I like going to the library by myself, so I can pick the books and movies that I like, without a toddler yelling in the adult section, or the rest of my crew running around like untrained children. (“Who are those children? They certainly aren’t mine! Ughh!”)

I like to meet friends out for a coffee or a glass of wine. I do try to connect with my friends during the week with my children. But there is GREAT blessing in connecting with my friends without my children. Uninterrupted conversation is greater than gold, and good friends are like apples in settings of silver. (Or something like that.) A fabulous cabernet sauvignon is a bonus. And Italian bread dipped in olive oil. Yum. (300 calories)

I’ve always loved home design. But I want to learn more. I want to use the sewing machine that my grandmother gave me. I’m hoping to take a home décor sewing class and learn how to make curtains and slip covers for my dining room chairs and new pillow covers and duvet covers for my bed. I recently wandered through a fabric store and collected all the little free swatches of fabric I liked. Then I put up some corkboard in my home office and displayed them all, by room. I feel like a proper designer. Problem is I don’t have the budget. Or the time. Someday.

I’ve struggled to be still in this season of rest and wholeness that God has me in. It feels weird not to put most of my free time towards planning some meeting or some sermon. But it’s also freeing. I feel more whole than I have, perhaps, ever. God is loving me in this season. He is loving me body, soul, and spirit.

Dreams

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

Psalm 40:5 NIV

I have big dreams. Dreams that only God could accomplish. I just read on Beth Moore’s blog: “If we look around our lives and we have everything we need, then we may need to live a bigger life and set better goals.” (http://blog.lproof.org/  Anybody Get a Word? June 4, 2012) But it brings up a good point: where is the balance between contentment and holy discontent?

I am content with my children, and being a homemaker, and quilting and cleaning and cooking. But I want more: I want to travel the world and teach the Bible and feed the hungry and hold the orphans.

I am content with my church: its school-building sanctuary, 150-member body, crackling sound system, and one-pastor leadership. But I want more! A big, beautiful building that invites our wealthy community in the door, so we can introduce them to Jesus. A pastoral team, whose combined gifts are greater than the sum of all of them, who might lighten the load of our dear pastor. In-ear technology, so the praise team can “play skillfully” and lead us into worship without the distractions to their finely tuned musical ears. More life groups for couples. More people serving. New believers, weekly. Salvations. Healing. Deliverance. Hope. Joy. Peace. Jesus.

How do we live this life with contentment, yet long for more?

We wait on the Lord. We wait on the Lord to fill our mouths with His provision. We wait on the Lord to accomplish our dreams. We wait on the Lord to do things we could never do on our own. We wait on the Lord.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:13-14

Rest

Yesterday I was exhausted. Emotionally, physically, I needed rest. Often on Thursday nights, I try to get out in the evening, just to get out, go somewhere by myself (without 4 kids in tow!), and have some fun. Yesterday afternoon, I didn't know how to spend my Thursday night. My girlfriend couldn't join me, I wanted to shop but didn't have much money... I felt discouraged because I didn't know what to do. I asked God to give me rest. What I really wanted was to fly away with Todd to Mexico for 5 days and sit on the beach in the sun. That's REALLY what I wanted to do. But since that wasn't an option, I prayed for rest.

I felt led by the Holy Spirit to visit my neighbor. She's a modern day widow. She's divorced, lives alone, physically housebound for the most part. She doesn't need food or money like the widows of the Bible, but she needs company. I get lonely when Todd's out two nights in a row. I can't imagine how lonely she gets day after day by herself. 

But I admit that I didn't really want to go. I didn't think it seemed restful. Thursday was MY night! My rest! It was supposed to be a time to refill my tank, not further empty it again. But I also wanted to obey God and where I thought He was asking me to go. So I went. 

We had a very pleasant time. We chatted about our houses, the neighborhood, marriage, her health. I stayed about an hour. I was so glad I went. 

I came home, planning to sit in front of the T.V. and eat junk food. (Now that's real rest, right?) But for some reason, I didn't. Instead I went to my bathroom that I've been painting and redoing, and I finished the work I'd been doing that day. I even cleaned it, hung a new medicine cabinet and picture on the wall, put away the paint supplies, put all our toiletries away in the cabinet. (Still not "restful.")  Eventually I did end up in front of the T.V., with a smile on my face. (I skipped the junk food!)

Before bed I've been trying to read a Psalm every night. I'm teaching at our upcoming women's retreat on worship, and I want to learn to worship. I turned off the light to go to sleep, and the Lord reminded me to read my Psalm. So I got back up, and this is what I read:

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.               Psalm 23:1-3a

I'm still amazed when I read something and it says something completely different to me than the last time I read it. Also when Scripture so directly speaks to where I'm at in that exact moment. Two things, here:

1. Just three psalms earlier, David is praying that the Lord would give him the desires of his heart and grant all his requests. Here, he's saying that he doesn't have any wants. It's as if God has, three psalms later, filled the desires of David's heart and granted all David's requests.

Last night I prayed for rest. God led me to a place I didn't see as restful, yet this morning I feel rested AND joyful! I feel more rested than I have all week.

2. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. God knows what will give us rest. Physical and spiritual rest. (Both are important!) These verses are a picture of rest. I've been asking God for a while to teach me about rest. As a busy mom of four kids, a leader of women's ministry, and a woman involved in many people's lives, I get tired! And I don't always know what will bring me rest. Sometimes it is T.V. and books. Other times its coffee with a friend. But sometimes my method of "rest" just doesn't work, and I'm left feeling discouraged and not rested.

What I'm seeing is that I need to ask God for help, even to rest. Psalm 23 tells me that He can give me rest, and I saw His provision in that way last night. He knows what I need that day, that moment. He knows what will truly give me rest. He knows that sometimes what I call "work" in that moment will actually bring me peace and give me better rest.

I'm so thankful to God for giving me rest last night. I feel like I can do another day. I'm also thankful that because of God, I shall not be in want. Thank you, Father.

Raising Moses - "after Moses had grown up..."

"One day, after Moses had grown up..."    Exodus 2:11

Few words, but I couldn't move on. I've been looking at Moses' mother for a few years now. I keep reading and rereading her story, seeing something new each time. This morning I was reading Exodus to my children, but I couldn't move on from this verse. There was something there for me. Something that I hadn't yet seen about Moses' mother.

Moses grew up. In that one verse, forty years are covered. In the passage that follows, events are covered that happened when he was 40. Yes, Moses grew up. We hear about him as a 3-month old, then here as a 40 year old. What happened in 40 years? He was living life in Pharaoh's palace. What I'm more interested in for now is what happened to Jocebed, his mom? We don't hear anything more about her after he was 3-months old. We read about her great faith, prophet insight, and fearless parenting of a newborn. And nothing more. What happened to Jocebed?

Chances are, she went on to live a "normal" life. Normal meaning the life of a Hebrew slave in Egypt. She probably never saw the Lord's deliverance of His people (she would have been at least 100). She probably never saw the great man that her "fine child" became. Probably the last she ever saw or heard of her son was the palace prince who would become a murderer (that comes later in chapter 2 of Exodus).  

Here's why this all spoke to me so clearly. Perhaps the greatest ministry I will ever do is RIGHT NOW raising my children. Perhaps I'm raising Moses. I often dream of a teaching ministry that will carry me around the country. I see "the good stuff", the "exciting stuff," as yet to come. But perhaps I'm in it right now. Perhaps the greatest thing I will ever do for the kingdom of God is to raise four children who know, love and serve the Lord. I could be raising Moses.

Not all kids are designed by God to be Moses, a great leader. But Jocebed also raised Miriam (a worshipper, a leader of women and a prophetess - Exodus 15:20) and Aaron (public speaker, miracle worker, companion to Moses and the first high priest - Exodus 6-12, 28). Jocebed's kids served God and experienced God in extraordinary ways.

So I say again: What if I'm raising Moses? I could waste my days dreaming about the future, or I could realize how important today is. I could give my all to my kids - loving them, training them in self-control and obedience, teaching them the Bible and how to pray, and coaching them in how to love each other, unselfishly. Perhaps this will be my greatest contribution to the Kingdom of God.

...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Ephesians 4:1

God help me to live a life worthy of the calling I have received.  Help me today to raise my children to be faithful followers of the King.  

Proverbs and Money - Freedom

I started looking at Proverbs and Money because I was asking God to free me from the chronic money worry in my life. I wanted to get personal in this post, and glorify God for what He has done, and how He has done "a good work in me" and brought "it to completion." (Philippians 1:6)

Its amazing to me that we can search in one place, but God will find us in another. I was looking for freedom from money worry in Proverbs, but God freed me in Ephesians. Ephesians 5:22-24 says:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

"What do submission and money worry have to do with each other?" you may be wondering. For me, everything.

It all started with a fight. Todd and I both wanted to make some changes in how we did things financially. We disagreed on how to make those changes, thus the fight. I thought he was wrong; he was just angry. As I prayed through our fight that day, the Lord showed me that I was the one who was wrong. Part of how God did that was from listening to this sermon by Mars Hill Church pastor, Mark Driscoll, which 'just happened' to be already on my itunes account.

http://marshill.com/media/trial/marriage-and-women

See, God made Todd head of my house, head of my family, and head of me. That means he lovingly, sacrificially, gives up his life for us as a family, and in return, we give him the leadership and respect that God commands that we give him. That includes our finances. What I understood as I listened to Mark Driscoll speak was that my worry about our finances came from two places:

1. I didn't have peace because I was in sin. Even though I was unaware of my sin. Peace comes from obedience, not sin.

2. I was taking on responsibility that wasn't mine. I felt the burden to make the right decision. That burden wasn't mine! AND, I was missing out on God's blessing. God gave me Todd not to RULE over me, dominate me, boss me around. God gave me Todd to CARE for me, provide for me, lead me, and take responsibility for me and our family. I was taking the responsibility and burden that God gave to Todd and putting it on myself. What a fool I am! I felt worry because I was carrying a burden that was not mine. The truth is, Todd takes much better care of me than I can care for myself. He is more aware of my needs and generous with me than I am. I spent 11 years missing out on the blessings of being led by my husband. He is a good, kind, loving, generous man. But I didn't trust him. In my pride, I thought I could do it better, and I'm the one who suffered.

I humbled myself before God, and then Todd, and repented of my sin. I had failed to submit in this area for our entire marriage. And I was the one who was reaping the fruit of my sin -- worry! Todd, and God!, of course forgave me, and we moved ahead into uncharted territory: Todd leading our finances.

We did bills a couple days later with Todd at the helm for the first time in our married life. And I saw him shoulder the burden (so I didn't have to!) for the first time. I saw him look critically at our budget for the first time. And the truth is, he is the one with the administrative gifts! Not me! He is a much better problem solver and critical thinker than I am. I realized that night how badly in error I had been, but also, how grateful I was to watch my husband pick up his responsibility and carry it - for me.

The first decision Todd made was to sell his car. I had been telling him it was foolish for many months, but I was the fool. Within a week, God had provided a new car for free. And in one month's time, we saved $160 in gas alone! God added blessing to our obedience.

It's been a month since we made the change. And I tell you, I feel free! I don't feel responsible! Because I'm not. I play an active role in managing our monthly cash flow, but I don't feel the burden of managing our money, big picture. What a relief! Because ultimately, Todd is responsible before God for every decision he makes. So even if I disagree, it doesn't matter. That's for God to work out, not me.

Living God's way brings peace and blessing. We are called to take that step of faith and believe Him and what He says in His Word. Then we can watch Him show His faithfulness!!! I would encourage you to do the same.

Proverbs and Money - Part 2

It's so important that we have God's perspective on money. In Proverbs, there is so much wisdom on many topics, including money. In this post, we'll continue on our journey to freedom from financial worry.

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.   Proverbs 22:7

Let's split this verse up, and look at each half individually.

The rich rule over the poor...

In "Proverbs and Money - Part 1" we learned that the Lord created both rich and poor alike. They are both dust, equal, and God doesn't play favorites. Yet, the rich rule over the poor. This truth makes me uncomfortable. I know it's true, but should it be this way? Shouldn't the rich have compassion over the poor? Shouldn't the rich fight for the cause of the poor, and provide for their needs?

Isaiah 58:6-7 says:

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter -
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

We established earlier that if you are reading this blog, you are wealthy. You have the means to buy or borrow a computer, and the education to read it. So we, the rich, are not to rule over the poor, but instead to feed them and provide shelter for them, to clothe them and not "turn away from [our] own flesh and blood." Because remember, we are both made by the same Creator. We are, rich and poor, flesh made from dust.

The rich may rule over the poor, but it shouldn't be this way. We can make a different choice: to care for the poor instead of rule over them.

Believers in the early church took it a step further. In Acts 2:42-45 it says:

 ⁴² They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. ⁴³ Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. ⁴⁴ All the believers were together and had everything in common. ⁴⁵ They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. ⁴⁶ Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷ praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.            Acts 2:42-47

This passage has always encouraged me, challenged me, and made me very uncomfortable. I'm excited to devote myself, along with my fellow believers in a small group, to studying the Word and hanging out together. I love to eat with them, and I'd love to spend far more time in prayer. I long to see God do many signs and wonders in my small group. I'd love to be used as an instrument of miracles, where God's power through the Holy Spirit flows through me and makes me a miracle worker! Its the next part that challenges me:

All the believers were together and had everything in common. Acts 2:44

What does this mean? They had everything in common? Does that mean they liked to watch the same TV shows, shop at the same stores, eat the same food and go to the same church? I looked up the phrase "everything in common" in the Greek and this is what I found. In the KJV the phrase is they had "all things common." The word "common" in the Greek is koinos which means "ordinary" or "belonging to generality." I interpret this one of two ways:

1. No one owned anything fancy or expensive, or
2. They shared everything, like the saying, "What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine."  Its as if no one laid claim to anything he or she had, because as soon as someone had a need, they were willing to sell anything to meet that need.

This is where I get very uncomfortable. If I want to be obedient to God and His Holy Word, and if I want to see miraculous signs and wonders, and see the Lord adding daily to those who are saved, I should be living this way. But I don't. I'm not. The passage goes on to explain how to have "all things common."

Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 
                                                                                        Acts 2:45

If this is how to have all things common, then I don't think it was enough for the early believers just to have "ordinary" things, all of them living humble, simple lives with common, simple, non-fancy stuff. They could have fancy, ornate, expensive "stuff," but none of them held on tight to any of it. It was as if they held it with open hands. I have it now, but if there is a need, I'll sell it at any time and give to whoever needs it.  Wow. There are tears in my eyes because I don't live that way. This is so anti-American Dream. The American Dream says get more stuff than your parents have so that you can make a "better life" for your children. But is it really a better life? Are we missing the point completely? And are we missing out on miracles and salvations because our goal is accumulation instead of distribution?

If we want to see people get saved, if we want to see God do amazing things, we need to have a looser grip on our "stuff." We need to give to the poor, at home and abroad. We need to proclaim Christ with our words AND our checkbooks. This is a massive challenge for us Americans. But God calls us to live differently than the world. Are you ready to take that step of faith? Am I?

My Responsibilites as a Wife - Love my Children - Part 1

So I'm certainly no parenting expert. And about a million books have been written on how to love and care for our children. What I do have is God's Word. That's where we will go today (because what is more valuable than the Bible for life and advice?) to answer the question:


How do I love my children?


Since we are exploring this morning:


My Responsibilities as a Wife, Biblically


2. Love my children (Titus 2:4) - they are his kids, after all


1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love is. It's often read at weddings, or talked about in the context of marriage. But why not use it as a parenting guide? Let's look first at the text:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails.                                                                          1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Before we dig in, I've got to be honest. This has been a rough parenting week. Rough two weeks. Yesterday, my oldest and I had a battle about what she was wearing to school. My youngest caught a cold, it turned into an ear infection, decided to pop some teeth and stop napping all at the same time. He's spent much of the day loudly complaining. Around 6pm, I literally locked myself in my bathroom and prayed to Jesus  that I wouldn't do something I would regret!

Having patience is difficult, but a part of loving your children. We need patience to wait for them to learn to tie their shoes. We need patience when they ask for "just a little longer" snuggling. We need patience when they've spilled their sticky apple juice for the fourteenth time that week. We need patience when they ask for help picking out their outfit then choose something else to wear as soon as you walk out of the room. Or wet the bed. Again. I could go on. But this is just my kids. I imagine in other stages, we need patience for them to come back to the Lord. We need patience for them to make good choices with friends, or schoolwork, or to change the way they act towards you. We need patience to wait for them to find the right spouse, or give us grandbabies.

Patience may come easier to some personality types than others, but ultimately, its just a fruit of the Holy Spirit. If we desire to love our children, we need to ask the Holy Spirit for patience. Its not going to come "naturally." In fact, this morning, I'm going to ask the Holy Spirit for patience. Because I do absolutely struggle with loving my children in this way. Case and point: getting 4 children to the bus stop on time; 2 on the bus, 2 along for the ride.  Thats 4 pairs of shoes, 4 coats, 2 backpacks, 2 lunches, 1 bike, 1 helmet, 1 stroller, and one frazzled mom who is trying to feed them, teach them a Bible lesson, and get them out the door on time without yelling. I don't always accomlish it (both the on time part or the not yelling part). Only with the help of the Holy Spirit will I do this.

So how do I love my husband? Love my children. They are his kids, afterall.

Love is kind. Here's another way to love my children. Websters dictionary defines kind as "showing tenderness or goodness; disposed to do good and confer happiness; averse to hurting or paining; benevolent; benignant; gracious."

Kindness seems connected to goodness. Yet another fruit of the Spirit. There is a connection here... if I want to love my children, I need to ask for the Holy Spirit's help, and ask for Him to give me His fruit! Here's how I see this playing out, for example: With my daughter, I speak gently to her, and not harshly. I don't exasperate her with my expectations on her. I give her more hugs and hold her hand more, if she'll let me. I do little things for her that are unexpected that show her that I love her, like writing her little notes for her lunchbox, or giving her little gifts that she didn't ask for. I can't do this alone. Come, Holy Spirit, come.

More to come...

My Responsibilites as a Wife - The List

After a recent conversation with a friend, we asked the question, "What are our responsibilities as wives, Biblically?" Based on that conversation, we took a walk through the Word and made a list. It's certainly not all inclusive, but its a good start. I'm sure it will take me a lifetime just to get the first two.

In this post, I'll write the list. In coming week, months, hopefully I will begin to flesh out each one, giving the Scripture meaning and depth. Here goes:

My Responsibilities as a Wife, Biblically

1. Love my husband (Titus 2:4)

2. Love my children (Titus 2:4) - They are his kids, after all

3. Be self-controlled (Titus 2:5)

4. Purity (Titus 2:5) - not even a hint of sexual immorality (Eph. 5:3)

5. To be busy at home (Titus 2:5)

6. Kind (Titus 2:5)

7. To be subject to my husband (Titus 2:5), as to the Lord, in everything (Eph. 5:22-24)

8. To leave my parents, and cleave to my husband (Eph. 5:31)

9. To become one flesh (Eph. 5:31), to have sex with my husband (1 Cor. 7:3)

10. To give my body freely to my husband and don't hold back (1 Cor. 7:4)

11. Respect my husband (Eph. 5:33)

12. Do not repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17)

13. Pray for my husband (Romans 12:12)

14. Forgive him (Matthew 6:14)

My Responsibilites as a Wife - Love my Husband

Since I would like to think through these things, get them off the page, off a list, into my heart and into my actions, I'm going to work through each item on the list. Join me.

My responsibilities as a wife, biblically
1. Love my husband (Titus 2:4).

Recently my husband (when I asked him how I could love him better) told me he'd feel so loved if I'd make his coffee in the morning and bring it to him (while he's studying his Bible!). It seemed like an easy request, and of course I consented. I want to love my husband. I do love my husband. Of course I want to practically love him.   ... So why am I struggling so much with my attitude about this? I feel like a servant girl or a gopher or a secretary bringing coffee to her boss. Probably because there is nothing in this one for me. I'm being selfish. Love is not selfish, or self-seeking. Love does not look for "what's in it for me." Yet that is the place I'm in.

See, the other ways Todd feels loved are 1) physical affection and 2)words of encouragement. OK, 1) physical affection. This one is easy. Though I'm not a touchy-feely sort of gal, its easy to love Todd this way because we will sit on the couch, I will rub his feet and he will TALK TO ME. My love language: quality time. This one is a win-win. Or 2) words of encouragement. God made me an encourager. This also comes easy. Plus, his immediate reaction is so gratifying when I tell him what a wonderful man he is. And I honestly mean it.

But serve him??? Oh boy. When I take spiritual gift tests, service is always as the bottom of my list. And I already serve him and my family constantly: I make their breakfasts, lunch, dinner; I clean their bathrooms and wash their clothes; I make annoying phone calls (like to insurance company) and run errands. Now I have to bring him his coffee???

As I write, I'm reminded of Philippians 2:1-7:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and in purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant...

If I want to have the same attitude as Jesus, I need to take on the "nature of a servant." That means I need to have the character, the attributes of, to act like a servant. Jesus served me when "he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:8b). If I call myself a Christ-follower, than that means I follow the example of Jesus, my Savior and my Boss. That means I serve my husband, and know that not only am I loving him as I'm directed to in Titus 2, but I'm following the example of Jesus as I do it.

As I write, the coffee started perking. I set it up on automatic start last night before I went to bed. Was that really that hard? It took me about 30 seconds to do. Is there anything in it for me? On the surface, no. But in my heart, if I could just get my attitude right, there is something for me. I enjoy the satisfaction that I'm following Jesus, practically. I'm being a servant, like Jesus was. And it's not like I'm dying on a cross here. I'm making coffee. I think I can do that.

Father, I need help with being a servant. It's a struggle for me. I'm tired of serving, and I confess that I resented the request, even though I asked for the feedback. Please forgive me for my selfishness. I do have encouragement from being united with Jesus. I do find GREAT comfort in His love. I do enjoy fellowship with your Holy Spirit, walking and talking with Him. Please help me to be one in spirit and purpose with Todd. Please deliver me from my selfishness, and help me to consider Todd better than myself. Help me put his needs above my own. As I pray that, please Father, take care of me as I serve my family and others. Please help me to be a servant, as Jesus is a servant. Help me to follow Jesus in word AND in deed. Help me to love my husband as you asked me to because you love me MADLY and you want me to THRIVE in my marriage. Thank you, Father, for loving me. Amen.

The Cry of a Mother's Heart

Dear God,

I listened to a woman speak today who had raised 4 boys and was now recently an empty nester. She passed around pictures of her boys as young men. They were so handsome. Some were married, some with girlfriends. One in a football jersey, playing for Princeton. They could have been my boys in 20 years. They were blond, athletic, smiling. They were following the Lord and loving beautiful young women.

Now Im in tears. Why?

It seemed like a glimpse into my future. My heart’s cry is that my children love you, marry a handsome man and beautiful women who love you, and to walk with you. They don’t have to be star athletes, the smartest in the class, rich or famous: I just want them to walk daily with you (because then I know they will find joy and peace despite the trouble in this life), and to get married to wonderful people.

God, I find such joy and peace in my husband. He loves me so wonderfully, and I feel so blessed to have him. I desperately want that for my children – to know the intimate, beautiful, deep love of another. And not just friends, but a husband, and wives. Because to have a spouse is to have a partner, a co-worker, a friend, a lover, a listener, a buddy, a playmate, a protector, a co-adventurer.

Father, I so deeply desire a spouse for my children. Would you give Maggie, Josh, Finn and Zac a spouse. And not just any man or woman. One who loves you, deeply, daily, honestly. One who chases you, finds you, is found by you. One who walks with you daily, searches your word, prays, intercedes, talks casually and prays reverently. One who confesses sin. One who desires to know you.

Please Daddy, I don’t want my children to be alone. I want them to enjoy the deeply satisfying love of a spouse. Would you give that to them? Would you help them to set their standards high and wait? Would you make them into good partners. Would you help them to walk in sexual purity before marriage and in marital faithfulness after marriage. Please help their eyes only to be for their spouse. Please help them to be honest, real, vunerable, loving, respectful and unselfish.

I know my kids are sinners, as I am. Please help them to take the way out from temptation that you promised them.  

Love, your daughter and their mother,

J Jen

Proverbs and Money- Part 1

I've been a life-long worrier over money, and recently I asked God for freedom from that worry. As part of that journey, I've been reading Proverbs and looking specifically for verses on money. Here's what I've discovered so far...

A good name is more desirable than great riches;
to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.  Prov. 22:1

It is better to have a good reputation than to be rich. It's better that people like you than to have money in the bank.

Rich and poor have this in common:
The Lord is the Maker of them all.  Prov. 22:2

Rich people and poor people act like they are so different - but the truth is that they are just the same. God made the poor and man and He made the rich man, and He chose what family each would be born in to. But if the rich man is tempted to think... if I am tempted to think, since I am rich (Beth Moore defines a wealthy person as one who has the money to buy a book and the education to read it. I've also heard "wealthy" defined as one who has enough food for today AND for tomorrow.) that I am better than a poor person, then I'm wrong. We are made by the same God. We are both dust. We are equal in God's site. He does not play favorites, and nor should we. We have what we have because God gave it to us. We always need to remember that. We sometimes fall into the thinking that we have earned our wealth. Wise living may lead to wealth, as Proverbs will continue to explain, but truly, what we have is God's gift to us.

Humility and fear of the Lord bring wealth and honor and life. Prov. 22:4

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you (Matthew 6:33). Pursue humility FIRST. Fear the Lord FIRST. Then the Lord promises wealth, honor and life. Is there a number attached to that promise? No. But God does promise wealth. He also says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up (James 4:10)." There is a confirmation here in Scripture - humility brings honor. There is also an upside-down principle here (society vs. Scripture) - our society wants money so they chase money and love money. They want honor so they step on people. They want a great life so they pursue pleasure and put themselves first and chase every desire.
            God's response? "'Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have (Hebrews 13:5),' because I 'will meet all your needs according to [my] glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).'"
            
Need money? Fear the Lord and trust in His promise to provide.
Want honor? Humble yourself before the Lord.
Need a life? Know that He is the Sovereign and Risen Lord and trust that He came "that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10)."

The Reluctant Leader

But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharoah and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"     
                                                                                                                             Exodus 3:11

Moses started as a reluctant leader. He became one of the greatest leaders of all time. How did Moses get from reluctant shepherd to mighty leader? Lets look at his first direct interaction with God in Exodus 3-4. God laid a foundation in this first discussion with Moses for their relationship in years to come. God was plain and straight-forward. God built His confidence, not by showing Moses his strengths, but instead by showing Moses His strengths.

Lets look at Exodus 3-4 play by play:

1. God calls Moses. God went to great lengths to speak specifically to Moses. He had a plan for Moses. He wanted Moses, and not just anyone.

There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Exodus 3:2

God also has a specific calling for each of us. He will make it clear to us if we just pay attention.

2. God calls him by name. God knows Moses' name. He wants Moses' attention. He wants Moses to have no question that He is speaking to him, specifically. 

God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" Exodus 3:4

Our God is a personal God. He knows us deeply, intimately. He knit us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). He isn't suprised by our personality. And He knows our name. Listen, you may hear Him calling you by name. What is He saying to you?

3. His presence was there. God was clearly THERE with Moses; why else would He tell Moses that this was holy ground?

“Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.”    Exodus 3:5

Where is the holy ground in your life? What is sacred, or needs to be sacred? Have you set aside some holy time or holy place to be alone with God?

4. God identifies Himself. God clarifies which God He is - not some pagan god. By reminding Moses that He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, He is reminding him of His faithfulness to the forefathers. He is reminding Moses of the mighty deeds He has accomplished, promises fulfilled, and the relationships He had with those families. Its like taking a walk back through Genesis in just a name.

Then he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” Exodus 3:6

Don't we sometimes need to be reminded who God is? I certainly do. When we are doubting ourselves, we need to look back at this amazing God and what He has already done. We need to look at His faithfulness to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Esther, Ruth, Gideon... and know that He will be this faithful to us as well. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. His faithfulness lasts through all generations (Psalm 100:5).

5. God tells Moses His plan. God also tells Moses His intentions and even His motivation to do these things.

The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites.   Exodus 3:7-8

6. God tells Moses his job in His plan. God is specific in His intructions for Moses:

"So now, go, I am sending you to Pharoah to bring my people the Isrealites out of Egypt." Exodus 3:10

7. God tells Moses His name. 
God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM."      Exodus 3:14

8. God tells Moses what to say. Moses didn't even have to come up with his own words. God gives him the words.
“Go, assemble the elders of Israel and say to them, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—appeared to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.’        Exodus 3:16-17

9. God tells Moses what will happen. There will be no suprises for Moses. God prepares him ahead of time.  God clearly wants to prepare Moses for this journey He has chosen Moses for.

“The elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, ‘The LORD, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God.’ But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you go.
   “And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians.”                       Exodus 4:18-22

10. God shows Moses the tools he has access to. Moses has not yet seen the power of Yahweh, the God of his fathers. God wanted to let Moses know who was calling him to do amazing things. But this God also had the power to do amazing things, and could give Moses this power. God did this also to build Moses' confidence.

    Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The LORD did not appear to you’?”
   Then the LORD said to him, “What is that in your hand?”
   “A staff,” he replied.
   The LORD said, “Throw it on the ground.”
   Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. Then the LORD said to him, “Reach out your hand and take it by the tail.” So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. “This,” said the LORD, “is so that they may believe that the LORD, the God of their fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has appeared to you.”
   Then the LORD said, “Put your hand inside your cloak.” So Moses put his hand into his cloak, and when he took it out, the skin was leprous—it had become as white as snow.
   “Now put it back into your cloak,” he said. So Moses put his hand back into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was restored, like the rest of his flesh.
   Then the LORD said, “If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first sign, they may believe the second. But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground.”        
             Exodus 4:1-8


11. God reminds Moses who he is. This is another reminder for the doubting, reluctant leader. God reminds Moses who he is, and in contrast, who He is.

Moses said to the LORD, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”
   The LORD said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”  Exodus 4:10-12

When we doubt our abilities to do something for the Kingdom of God, don't look to God to encourage you in your strengths. Instead, ask Him to remind you of His strengths. We are nothing, and can do nothing apart from God (John 15:5). But with God, all things are possible (Luke 2:37).

Lord God, show us yourself so that we may believe.

Isaiah 1 and 5 - A Rebellious People and the Vineyard

Its been ages since I posted, but Ive just finished my study on the book of Isaiah, and I wanted to blog about what Ive learned. Much thanks and accolades go to the Holy Spirit, Bible Study Fellowship, Marnie Meeks and my amazing discussion group who opened my eyes to the Scripture and taught me so much about this wonderful and complex book of Isaiah.

Isaiah 1

Isaiah's prophesy from God jumps right into how God feels about His people. And in those moments, He is not pleased. The people are in the promised land, post-Moses and Joshua. They have "conquered" the Promised Land (though not completely like God asked them to) and have settled there. Many kings have lived, ruled, died, some that honored God and others that spread and endorsed idol worship. Isaiah prophesies during the reigns of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz and Hezekiah. Of those kings, Hezekiah was the only that honored God.

Here is what God says through Isaiah about his people:

“I reared children and brought them up,
   but they have rebelled against me.
³ The ox knows its master,
   the donkey its owner’s manger,
but Israel does not know,
   my people do not understand.”       Isaiah 1:2b-3

God has given His people everything they need, yet they rebel against Him. In chapter 5, Isaiah uses the analogy of a vineyard to explain God's provision and Israel's shortcoming:

My loved one [Isaiah speaking of God] had a vineyard
   on a fertile hillside.
² He dug it up and cleared it of stones
   and planted it with the choicest vines.
He built a watchtower in it
   and cut out a winepress as well.
Then he looked for a crop of good grapes,
   but it yielded only bad fruit.
 ³ “Now you dwellers in Jerusalem and people of Judah,
   judge between me and my vineyard.
⁴ What more could have been done for my vineyard
   than I have done for it?
When I looked for good grapes,
   why did it yield only bad?                 Isaiah 5:1b-4

God planted a vineyard. He cleared the land, turned over the soil, and planted top notch vines. He built a watchtower so that someone would be watching over the vineyard at all times - protecting it from foxes who might ruin the vineyard (SoS 2:15), intruders who might steal or ruin the grapes, frost or fire that might destroy the grapes. It makes me think of that movie with Keanu Reeves "Walk in the Clouds" where a family owns a vineyard, and give their lives to protecting that vineyard. A bell tolls at night waking the family up telling them that there is frost. They stay up all night warming the grapes. Another night there is a fire, and they give everything they have to protect the vineyard.

So it is with God. He says, "What more could have been done for my vineyard...? When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad?"

The question we have to ask is this: Are we following God with all our might, or are we rebelling against Him? Has He provided everything we need, yet we are still bad grapes? Do we produce sweet, fragrant, abundant fruit, or is our produce sour, withered, weak?

Where do you see God tending your vineyard? Open your eyes to see Him and His provision. Then give your life to Him completely. Give over every area; fully surrender. Then experience the LOVE of the attentive Gardener who tills your soil and watches your fruit constantly because He LOVES you.